I feel I have to like him in order for him not to feel like I’m using him for something. Maybe I am, maybe I’m using him for everything.
she will always be younger than us
say what you will: petitedeluree@gmail.com Ask me anything
say what you will: petitedeluree@gmail.com Ask me anything
January 24, 2010
The Convenient Boyfriend
January 13, 2010
Truth
I’m going to say it: If you’re at a party and you want that girl to go home with you and you’ve made it clear to her that this is your intention and she’s still frolicking around the party saying her hello’s and goodbye’s, it doesn’t make a difference to her if you fuck tonight or not. She may have seemed like she wanted to while she was kissing you in a dark corner, but she could go without it. She could care less.
December 29, 2009
London Encounters #1
Nathan works at a bar I’ve started to frequent, when I met him he had just gotten off work, he went outside when me and a friend left to smoke a cigarette. He laughed at what we were saying privately, and I decided he was cute enough to join in our conversation. When the bar closed we went to his friend’s house that was around the corner.
We drank more, and our friends did blow (my American friend was unimpressed and said it was like baby powder) and we danced around the kitchen. Nathan played the Smashing Pumpkins off his Iphone and went on saying that he was doing his MA in creative writing while also managing two part time jobs. He was sick of the depravity he was living in, always just scraping by. He told me that I should just write, exorcise all the characters that live so freely in my head, at least get it out. His favourite genre of writing is Sci-fi, his current work is based on a family that lives on a moon, completely isolated from everything.
I couldn’t really relate to the Sci-fi part, but he was attractive. So we sat closer talking about writing and London. I explained to him that I was disappointed about the parties I’d gone to here. And he asked what made a good one.
Your favourite people (friends or strangers), the perfect kind of drunk that is neither too coherent or sloppy, and of course, the songs you want to hear.
“Oh, you mean an American party.”
My American friend left with a boy, and I asked Nathan to walk me home. Though it may sound like a ploy, I really am paranoid. When we got to the door, I got a kiss on the cheek and a hug (that probably to my imagination lingered), I sort of pouted.
“What?”
“Nothing!” As I walked into my flat, I didn’t really expect anything but to walk in by myself that night, but I think I’m still waiting for that boldness that never seems to come with the boys you’d like it to. Leave it without any numbers or last names, cities are small, there’s chance for double encounters.
December 27, 2009
And it starts with a flash (2)
I was half awake when I realized Matthieu running his hands over my arms and slowly tracing my face with his fingers as if trying to memorize my nose or lips. Unbuttoning the buttons on my blouse, contemplating my fingernails that were chipped from the previous night.
I was too hungover to protest to the small caresses, and I didn’t really mind. I opened my eyes and ran my finger over the tattoo on his forearm. We fool around a bit, but don’t kiss (I’ll get to my er, kissing phobia later) and whenever we hear the other boys in the band move around the apartment we tense. We were quiet as we continue to touch, there was never need for translation there.
Everyone went downstairs for breakfast except for me, I needed to shower and I couldn’t really face Ryan. In the shower I laugh about Ryan’s face when I said I would stay at Matthieu’s apartment for the night. The sincere disappointment that comes with the expectations of what follows after a kiss.
I wasn’t particularly interested in either of them, I was just bored and lonely and on vacation, plus, it was winter.
December 22, 2009
An introduction
I’m 18 (honestly I would never admit this anywhere, so don’t give me some ageist bullshit) and live in London. I never used to live in London, actually, I’m quite American. I am American. I just moved to London this winter. I had to leave everything by moving here. I had to make the decision that yes, this is what I want, this is where I have to be and leave all the people that love me and make me feel safe. I have a tendency to do whatever I’m scared of doing. In the end everything is still a learning experience. Whether there are successes or failures.
I’m at a point in my life where everything should just be starting. Moving forward. You know, all that shit. But, typically, I was introduced to everything when I was really young. Everything that comes with being from a city, everything that comes from being given all the freedom in the world, and learning how to binge and hold back, and do it all over again because hell, I’m so young, and I can do whatever I want right? (We’ll get to my debauchery)
In the same vein of some blogs that I just started reading, I wanted to start one that followed the ridiculous journey of being so young and still wanting to have love and sex, and for reasons that don’t really make any sense, and because being young cancels everything else out anyway. I’ve been in love before, probably still am in love. And believe me once I had it, all I wanted to do was destroy it, I literally said to myself, why couldn’t this have come later, in maybe five years? I still have my own shit to do, I still have to become a person, become that idea of myself that I think is an adult. Form my own philosophies on life, and ideals and all those important things. So why do I constantly pine for something that isn’t very practical right now?
I just got to London and literally this is my new life. I’m away from all those boys I slept with at home, away from all those girls that hated me for doing so, done with school, done with doing work and not having it go anywhere. But of course, it’s foolish to think that I especially can ever run away from my past. I’ve always been an impossible waif, so wherever I’ve gone I’ve left some sort of trace.
I’m keeping this anonymous as well, ‘cause sometimes things can get really narcissistic. This isn’t about promoting my name, this is about everything else. I’ll try and stifle the pretentious writer in me and try and write as honestly as I can. I do enough writing like that elsewhere, so this can be like my London diary.
xx
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